‘Kissa’ of my Car #1 (when I became a consumer)

I don’t own a car as yet. So this entry is not about ‘my car’ per se. The fact is that I am not even close to the final stages before the purchase.

These entries are about what I am going through currently – where I am trying to make up my mind and circumstances around – before taking the final leap. Not sure when that would happen. Till then, it would only be process talk. But I promise to omit boring details. That is not the intention here. Thinking about buying a car has turned me into a helpless irrational kid. These stories about how logic gave away. How I stopped being an advertiser and became a consumer with a heart that beats to the tunes of emotions. How I am going about convincing myself, each day, that I am not about to make a wrong decision.

The first question was – WHY?

Can I afford a car? No.

Do I really need a car? No.

Do I want a car? Yes.

I felt stuck at this third question every time.

Considering my current income (which is petty) and my current liabilities, I am not in a position to afford a car. Also, owning a car in a place like Mumbai can become a headache more than a matter of convenience. I don’t have a place to park the car at home. I will have to wait in traffic in the same way I do while when I am inside the bus. Also, the expenses do not stop once you buy a car. They barely begin. You get into an endless spiral of additional costs such as repayment of the loan, fuel costs (which thanks to our government increases at a lightning speed), maintenance costs, costs of a better lifestyle (which you become a part of once you own a car), etc. Then why is it that I behaved worse than a stuck record – telling myself I want a car anyhow?

On thinking over this, I realized that the reason for the desire to drive my own car has gone beyond reason. I become a kid every time I think about sitting on the wheel of my own car. I think of the days I spent as a small child with an enviable collection of Hot Wheels cars. I go through all those days when I would safely keep my cars inside a glass shelf which would be locked from outside every time my friends would come home. I always wanted to own a car as a child. I used to die every moment when I would see my friends sitting in the comfort of a car along with their parents. I hated myself when I would arrive somewhere all sweaty and dishevelled while others would look as if they had just walked out of the shower.

Mentally the target was set at that young age. I had decided this as one of my ambitions, though it is by no means a lofty one. For me it was always Them vs. Me in which Me could only become Them by owning a car.

Today the Them of those times have disappeared from my life. However, their shadows have remained. My memories of the struggles from those times have remained. My circumstances have improved vastly but my ambitions have remained the same.

I feel that once I own a car, I would win this little battle within myself. Maybe it would seem like meaningless waste once it is over. Maybe I will feel that it was not worth at all in the first place. Maybe I will realise that the battle was not about Them but only about Me. Maybe I win over Them in this battle but lose to Me. I don’t know what the future holds. But I am entering this battle for sure.

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